Nov 4 2010

Four Loko Blue Raspberry Review

How can you not be interested in the Four Loko? A University Health Services administrator has called it “badness in a can.” It is known around college campuses as “blackout in a can.” It sounds amazing. In a can.

I’ve reviewed less than stellar beers before (my Bud Light Lime review), but this is another beast.  In fact, I apologize for mentioning the Loko in same breath as beer. Will I be able to drink the entire 23.5 ounce can? Especially since it is 12% alcohol. Do I even want to? What the fuck is wrong with me?

The Four Loko is named for its four main ingredients: caffeine, taurine, guarana, and alcohol. It comes in nine flavors: wrath, greed, sloth, pride, lust, envy, gluttony, watermelon and blue raspberry. I chose the blue raspberry, although I loved the colors of the envy can.

Appearance: Windshield wiper fluid. Aqua Velva Ice Blue. It is an unnatural teal with a fizzy head that lasts an entire 5 seconds before disappearing completely. I suspect this will permanently stain my urethra.

Aroma: The smell of the Four Loko is overwhelming. Fake raspberry dominates and dissolves into cotton candy woven by homicidal circus carnies. There’s a terrifying streak of medicinal alcohol that runs through the middle of this hate potion. It smells like that creepy uncle who used to sneak up behind you reeking of cigarettes, grain alcohol, summer sweat and failure.

Taste: The flavor follows the smell. It tastes of sweaty desperation and self loathing. The Four Loko is like filling up your mouth with daddy issues. It is Satan’s aftershave.

The burps aren’t half bad, though.