Four Loko Blue Raspberry Review

How can you not be interested in the Four Loko? A University Health Services administrator has called it “badness in a can.” It is known around college campuses as “blackout in a can.” It sounds amazing. In a can.

I’ve reviewed less than stellar beers before (my Bud Light Lime review), but this is another beast.  In fact, I apologize for mentioning the Loko in same breath as beer. Will I be able to drink the entire 23.5 ounce can? Especially since it is 12% alcohol. Do I even want to? What the fuck is wrong with me?

The Four Loko is named for its four main ingredients: caffeine, taurine, guarana, and alcohol. It comes in nine flavors: wrath, greed, sloth, pride, lust, envy, gluttony, watermelon and blue raspberry. I chose the blue raspberry, although I loved the colors of the envy can.

Appearance: Windshield wiper fluid. Aqua Velva Ice Blue. It is an unnatural teal with a fizzy head that lasts an entire 5 seconds before disappearing completely. I suspect this will permanently stain my urethra.

Aroma: The smell of the Four Loko is overwhelming. Fake raspberry dominates and dissolves into cotton candy woven by homicidal circus carnies. There’s a terrifying streak of medicinal alcohol that runs through the middle of this hate potion. It smells like that creepy uncle who used to sneak up behind you reeking of cigarettes, grain alcohol, summer sweat and failure.

Taste: The flavor follows the smell. It tastes of sweaty desperation and self loathing. The Four Loko is like filling up your mouth with daddy issues. It is Satan’s aftershave.

The burps aren’t half bad, though.


7 Responses to “Four Loko Blue Raspberry Review”

  • Velky Al Says:

    But how much of it did you manage to drink?

  • BarlowBrewing Says:

    It is without shame that I admit that I could only choke down a few ounces of the Four Loko.

    But probably enough to show up on a CT scan.

  • CareForAPint Says:

    And the pee?

  • Rob Says:

    Haha. That was the funniest review I’ve read in a while… Satan’s Aftershave! 🙂 Great. Super coincidentally, I reviewed Four Loko yesterday as well, but the watermelon version. Equally bad, but I don’t think I hit all of the deadly sins in my post. I also dumped most of it. If interested…

  • Tom Wallace Says:

    Great post, Jamey. After hearing so much chatter about Four Loco on the BN, I was thinking of trying it myself. But, after you wrote so colorfully about it, I think I will pass. I am sure my liver thanks you for taking one for the team.

  • Big Tex Says:

    Nice. Much better and creative description than my attempt. I tried the orange blend… bought it ahead of the impending ban (now official) here in WA. Nasty… reminded me of the fake orange punch served at kids’ parties of my youth.

  • Joshua Hewitt Says:

    I’m currently drinking the Blue Hurricane.. It tastes so bad.. I had to Bing! It.. To make sure they all tasted of shitberries. And.. Well, I’m actually.. relatively excited to know I’m not nearing death due to this nastiness. Appreciate the review! ????

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